awake, again

Night time. As recently as 4 years ago, it was where the action took place. Bar hopping, frat parties, hockey games, late night chats with questionably sober girlfriends. Now, it's when the sadness sets in. It's when I feel most alone. It's when I most want the comfort of my pregnancy(ies) back, three nightly pee trips and all. It's when I count the weeks to figure out how far along I'd be (34 , 14). It's when I replay the scariest moments of my life over and over in my head. It's when I just wish this wasn't my life. Wasn't us dealing with this. Wasn't us who have to suffer so much to get what we want. A wise woman (aka Madonna) once said: if it's bitter at the start, then it's sweeter in the end. I sure hope Madge is right.

I'm homesick, too, on this Sunday night. (Wendy Whiner in the hizz-ouse!) I love Austin. If given the choice, I absolutely wouldn't leave. It feels like home, we're making great friends, J (mostly) enjoys his work and his potential there, I adore our humble abode, we have yet to run out of exciting places to go or things to do, I never have to worry about my nostrils freezing together or seeing another Polaris jacket as long as I live. But. In that wearing rose-colored-glasses way, I sometimes miss things about our past life. Mainly the obvious- proximity to ma, pa, M2, and M3. But random things, too. That ominous gloom in the air threatening the first snowfall, rushing home from work to get cozy and crank the heat before it hit. My old job that mostly entertained me, often exhilerated me, and kept me buzzing long after the Red Bull wore off. The silence in our old backyard- it was the kind of silence like when the electricity goes out and the hummmmm of a working house shuts off and you're startled to realize how much noise there really was when you thought it was quiet. And did I mention being close to the 4 people (other than my dear J, obviously) that make me the happiest, if only because they understand why fox hats are funny and who Cow Patty is and where she's gone? Hell, it doesn't take a psych-trained individual to recognize I'm probably just missing a time when life wasn't so steadily defined by sadness and loss and raw emotion. Probably pining for the girl I was before my innocence took a beating. In fact, I KNOW that's true. I know how much I love our life here and that I wouldn't trade it for anything or anyplace (uh...unless said place offered a significant raise and big boss status for the J-man and a Lexus GX470 for yours truly and no less than 1 Nordstrom in a 20 mile radius...then maybe we'd talk). I just want old Mandie back. The girl cruising in her green Trailblazer, listening to Madonna, doing her part to bring some fabulousness to the northwoods. The girl who had no idea of the shitstorm coming her way in 07. The girl who slept on a regular basis.

Things that made me smile today: G's amazing brisket and J's bbq-sauce chin, breaking out my rollerblades (how retro am I?) for an inaugural spin around the 'hood, pumpkins on our porch, another Packer win, reading our HOA rules over and discovering it actually IS legal to have 4 pets (we thought we were one over- breathe easy Hor-hay, you're safe!)