final approach

Remember months back, when I was sad and frustrated, when I talked about feeling like we were stuck on the layover from hell? Well, at risk of being a total corn-ball- as of today, we're on our final approach for landing! I can see our destination from here!

I AM IN THE THIRD TRIMESTER. The trimester that ends with a baby. The trimester that brings with it waddling, childbirth class, frantic nesting, and perhaps (though I hope not) a temporary second chin. 27 weeks today and damn happy to be here. I've noticed while chatting with other new 3rd-tri-ers that this is usually when the panic sets in. The "ohmygod, I actually have to get this thing OUT" fears creep in and begin to taunt, keeping mommies-to-be awake in their beds at night long after the rest of the house is fast asleep, heartburn and leg cramps as their uncomfortable companions. Call me crazy, but I'm not scared. (ME- not scared of pain! The girl who cried getting shots, for whom a skinned knee was a catastrophic infliction, who nearly failed junior high phys ed for her refusal to play dodge ball- it huuuurts!) I was telling J the other day that I just don't have that fear. I think it's because I've explored the hellacious depths of emotional pain to such an extent that physical pain seems temporary, a small price to pay to finally, finally, finally achieve our ultimate goal. Physical pain heals. Physical pain responds to drugs (and oh yes, there will be drugs, much to my yoga instructor's chagrin). Physical pain comes in one big long burst, then fizzles, wears off in the weeks that follow. Emotional pain, on the other hand, lingers. It carves a space in the back of your mind and the front of your heart, it festers, it mocks you at inopportune moments. It scars in ways far uglier than a stretch mark or blemish. My emotional wounds, while easier to manage at this point, won't go away. There are still tears. A song on the radio. An ultrasound photo found wedged between medical records. A photo of me, grinning on my 26th birthday, secure and confident. Meeting a new mom in the return line at Home Depot and asking how old her baby was, realizing when she answered "7 months" that the baby was born when our first should have been, forcing me to smile tightly and pretend to be totally engrossed in the caribeener I was returning, probably leaving the mother to wonder what, exactly, I had against 7 month old babies. As much as I dislike it, as ungracious as I felt for thinking it, the old thoughts crept in- "why is she here with her baby, while I'm still waiting?" I'm fully convinced that 20 years from now, when something or someone recalls the memory of our first baby, or our Grover, or as I open the green memory box that I'll always treasure- I will cry. Whereas if you ask me about the bodily harm I'll incur welcoming baby Cinco to the world...I'll wax poetic and think it really wasn't so bad. I'll look upon the scars and feel they're honorable. I'll probably have even signed up to do it again (and again?) All that to say...I'm not scared to do this birth thang! I'm still scared of the unknown, still panicky in baby's quieter moments, still worried about this or that coming between me and motherhood...but facing one of humankind's most painful experiences in 90-some days? Not so scary. Disclaimer: I fully reserve the right to eat my words at a later date. Say, 39 weeks or so.


What does strike a bit of fear in my heart these days is the weather. We've still got 15 minutes or so left of spring, and we're already 1/4 of the way to beating a heat record in Austin. A record set in 1920. Something like 12 days thus far with the mercury rising into triple digits. It's so hot that the air conditioning can't quite keep up, and I've just taken to wearing as little clothing as possible in those scorching late afternoon hours. I've also ordered some new blinds for the remaining uncovered windows...the neighbors simply don't need to see that much of me.

Anyway, here's to a smooth approach and landing! And dinner with J, who by some miracle of sweet baby Jesus, is HOME before 9pm!