baby got wheels

and mama need drugs. Serious, fast acting, anxiety reducing drugs. My cat's on one happy little pill that leaves him staring at the bedspread in awe and makes him sleep 23 hours a day....but I'm thinking that wouldn't be very healthy for the wee bambino.

Today, I decided to do it already. Buy baby things. We've done okay with the nursery- the crib a gift from J's mom, the dresser and bedding too sweet of deals to pass up. The kid is clothed- thanks to my mom, he's got so many duds that we'll have to change him four times a day to sport each outfit once. But for some perplexing reason, buying any of the necessity type items lining the walls of our local Babies R Us scares the dickens outta me. (What the hell are the dickens, anyway?) I've been carrying an intimidating list around in my wallet for months- stroller, carseat, pack n play, swing, bouncy seat, baby gates, changing pad, on and on and on. But each time I visited BRU, I emerged empty handed and a little anxious. I'd usually bolt next door to Petsmart and stock up on doggy bones and cat toys to bring my blood pressure back to normal. At least there I'm legitimate- have pets, need stuff. I don't know what it is about the baby things that makes me feel so....illegitamite. Or maybe I do. Deep inside, I think I'm SCARED TO DEATH that I'll stock our home with all these colorful, perplexing items, and never end up needing them after all. The result of twice believing I was having a baby, and twice winding up comatose, depressed, and empty in my bed. But this third time is different, I know in my heart it is, have been blessed with an underlying, deep in my heart feeling of confidence about pregnancy #3 since before it even happened. We're 17 weeks past our latest point of loss. All tests have come back with beautiful results. Baby boy is strong, evident in his simutaneous chops to my bladder and my ribs. People beam at my belly in public, cheery in their approval of my reproductive skills and ginormous uterus. Dr. S is confident as ever while explaining the baby-cooking schedule from here to D-Day. We are, he says, as safe as we'll ever be.

And since my nightmares of late have all been of lack of preparation, like bringing a baby home and realizing he's got no diapers, or being released from the hospital and not having a carseat, or scrummaging through my kitchen cabinets in search of a bottle, coming up with just a turkey baster and a wine glass....I know I need to get on the ball. The days-to-baby countdown is in the 80s. And since my fairy godmother won't be rolling up with a carriage full of gear, and I'd prefer not to be waddling from one end of town to the other, sweating in the heat of September with my belly sticking 4 feet out, wishing I'd been on the ball sooner and avoided that kind of stress on my cankles....it's go time.

So I did it. I marched into BRU, and drove off 15 minutes later with a car seat. I came home and ordered baby's stroller. But I didn't get that "new mommy rush" that I hear other girls talk about, nor did I feel my usual sense of shopping euphoria over a big new purchase. No "yay, this is so fun, I'm buying these pretty things for my pretty baby!" I got a panic attack. One that left me short of breath, scared at my bold assumptiveness that we'll really need these things. Boo. I deserve the excitement just like everyone else, damnit.

But here, for the sake of normalcy, is my pretty baby's pretty wheels. The stroller I've been eyeing for 15 months, the stroller I finally have every reason in the world to purchase. And with any luck, when the UPS guy shows up with it, I'll act like a normal person and rip it open with abandon. Maybe even push the cats around the house in it, telling them what pretty pretty kitties they are in their pretty pretty stroller, take a photo or two....you know, because super normal people do super normal things like that.

**EDIT** Stroller purchase was cancelled. Avoid tinyride.com at all costs, because they're shady money stealin' mofos. So.....never mind. We'll still get a BumbleRide, but J decided he wants the 3 wheel Indie instead. Stay tuned.