hangin' tough

NKOTB sums it up for me right now. The days are long, each twinge incites worry, much googling of various symptoms and signs has taken place, but I'm hanging in there. As of midnight, I'll be at 5 weeks 4 days. Possibly 5 weeks 2 days, depending on exactly when egg met sperm, but I'll go with the higher number because I like it better. I'm feeling good, I'm feeling pregnant. My boobs are in constant pain, I had to have a quesadilla Saturday afternoon then promptly dry heaved upon completion of that must have quesadilla, and I sobbed for a half hour when the Packers lost in overtime last night. SOBBED. Face in pillow, crocodile tears, the whole dramatic bit. And I shit you not....for a few seconds today, I contemplated mixing my dill pickles into my vanilla ice cream. Overall, I'm happy to report that my overall mindset is one of cautious optimism and occasional excitement. Occasional. Cautiously.

However, I'm not cured. My head and my heart are still the same, still wounded, probably forever altered. It's amazing how two people under one roof, who have walked the same road, can have such vastly different views on our experience. The other day, I was complaining to J about an obnoxiously pregnant women who came into PB. She was one of those who wore her belly like a crown, obviously expecting me to bow down in her reproductive glory, and drove me nuts for a myriad of reasons I'd just rather not bore you with. As I bemoaned to J about the experience, he looked at me in befuddlement and said...."but honey, you're pregnant too! You're one of them!" Oh, my. One of them? Bless the man's heart (and I mean this whole heartedly) for being able to cast away the fears and embrace this pregnancy. He's upping his investments, explaining to the financial advisor that "he's got a baby on the way". He's working on trading his aging SUV for a newer, safer sedan. As far as he's concerned, we're no different than any first time parents to be. And for this, I love him. Hell, I envy him! But I'm totally unable to just trade in my membership to the "troubled" club for one to the "pregnant and having a baby" club. Maybe this will change when we pass milestones, when we have new pregnant experiences, when we're able to share the news. But I know now there's a part of me that won't be coming back, and prevents me from ever being "one of them".

There's a song that seems to be on my radio lately each time I get in the car. And as I drove along this morning, I realized the words were bringing a smile to my face. It sums up the feeling of contentment I have this time, the unshakable bravery I have moments of, the feeling that no matter what the books say or my past says....we'll be okay, me and this little life inside and that clueless, optimistic honey of a husband of mine.

I just want you close

Where you can stay forever

You can be sure

That it will only get better

You and me together

Through the days and nights

I don't worry 'cause

Everything's going to be alright

People keep talking

they can say what they like

But all i know is everything's going to be alright

No one, no one, no one

Can get in the way of what I'm feeling

No one, no one, no one

Can get in the way of what I feel

for you, you, you

Can get in the way of what I feel for you